The New Uncanny X-Treme X-Men
by russbrett
Summary: Written several months ago out of frustration on all the debate over which book/author was the best. The fact is, at the time, they all kind of stunk. This is a satirical commentary on the state of the core X books.


(written in a state of frustration at all the debate over which book/author is better)  
  
All 3 teams have assembled to defeat the combined forces of Cassandra Nova and Vargas.  
  
Cassandra: We are the next step in human evolution. We must destroy mutants to ensure the survival of mankind.  
  
Cyclops: But you have powers just like us. Don't you think humans will fear you as much as they do us.  
  
Vargas: Umm. We never looked at it like that. Umm.  
  
Cassandra: It doesn't matter. I am evil. We are going to destroy you anyway. I will have my revenge on Xavier.  
  
Jean: Why do you hate him so much?  
  
Cassandra: Because I am his genetic twin and he tried to kill me while we were in the womb.  
  
Nightcrawler: Excuse me. But I studied some biology and what you just said is completely impossible.  
  
Cassandra: Shut up. Your mutant logic cannot begin to comprehend the truth of my words.  
  
Suddenly, gunshots ring out and Cassandra and Vargas fall down dead.  
  
Stacey-X: Sorry guys. I was getting sick of all their talking.  
  
Storm: Who are you?  
  
Angel: Guys, this is our new team member Stacey. Her code-name is Marvel ***** because of her powers to make men have amazing orgasms.  
  
Thunderbird III: That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.  
  
Angel: This coming from a new guy. Who the hell are you anyway?  
  
Storm: Warren, that's Thunderbird. He's been with the team for a couple of years.  
  
Angel: John Proudstar? I thought you were dead.  
  
Storm: No, THunderbird III.  
  
Angel: Sorry, still drawing a blank.  
  
Rogue: Hey! How come I'm not the center of attention? Everyone look at me.  
  
Everyone ignores Rogue.  
  
Storm: Warren, he's the reason Betsy broke up with you.  
  
Angel: Betsy and I didn't break up. We had a fight and she ran off. Once she comes back I'm sure we can patch things up.  
  
Storm: Betsy's dead.  
  
Angel: What!? How come noone told me? Did you guys know?  
  
All but the X-Treme team members shake their heads.  
  
Cyclops: So, how's the search for the diaries going Storm?  
  
Storm: How d you know about that? It was supposed to be a secret.  
  
Jean: It was? I'm sorry. Beast, Wovlerine, and I knew about it, I thought it was Ok to tell. Where is Wolverine anyway.  
  
Wolverine: I'm right here.  
  
Wolverine II: and here.  
  
Wolverine III: and here.  
  
Jean: Three of you?  
  
Wolverine: Yeah. How else did you think I can be in so many places at once?  
  
Rogue: Everyone pay attention to me.  
  
Jean: Shut up.  
  
Rogue: Why don't you make me?  
  
Jean: Don't start with me Rogue.  
  
Rogue: Why not?  
  
Jean: Because (Jean's power flares), I AM PHOENIX!  
  
Rogue: So. We knew that.  
  
Jean: You did?  
  
Emma: We all knew. It's formula. Jean Grey dies, becomes Phoenix, repeat. It was only a matter of time. Watch.  
  
Emma turns into her diamond form and stabs Jean in the heart. Jean falls down dead.  
  
Scott: Jean! Emma why did you do that?  
  
Emma: Oh hush. You know I never liked her.  
  
Scott: That doesn't mean you should kill her. We're a team. We're supposed to help one another.  
  
Emma sticks her tongue out at Scott.  
  
Storm: Bishop, is Jean Ok?  
  
Bishop: I'm a cop.  
  
Storm: Uh huh. Ok. Well then. Emma, what's with the new power?  
  
Emma: Well you see, Colossus was supposed to be on this team, but when he died I was picked as his replacement.  
  
Rogue: Everyone look at me.  
  
Emma: It was redundant to have two telepaths on the team, so I developed a "secondary mutation" which transformed me into a powerhouse, to replace the dead Colossus.  
  
Storm: That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.  
  
Emma: Right. THis coming from a woman with a villain on her team?  
  
Storm: Who?  
  
Emma: Tessa.  
  
Storm: Tessa was a spy for Xavier the whole time. She's one of the good guys.  
  
Emma: Who told you that?  
  
Storm: Tessa did.  
  
Emma: And you believed her? THat's the oldest trick in the book. Never believe a villain when they say they're now good. Did Magneto reform? Sabretooth? Mystique? You are so gullible.  
  
Angel: Hey, where did Cassandra and Vargas' bodies go? Bishop, you were closest to them. Did you see what happened?  
  
Bishop: I'm a cop.  
  
Chamber: He's real useful.  
  
Cyclops: Who said that?  
  
Chamber: I did. Back here.  
  
Cyclops: Why are you back there away from all the action? Shouldn't you be closer to your team?  
  
Chamber: Nah. I don't feel like I really fit in with them, so I try to stay in the background as much as possible. I only joined because they kept bugging me and making my life a living hell.  
  
Angel: Chamber, we didn't realize you didn't want to join the team.  
  
Chamber: What are you, stupid? I told you a million times I didn't want to join. I was having dirty sex with the Marvel Univers version of Britney Spears. Why would I want to join a team of mutants that I hardly know? Do you know how hard it is for someone with only HALF A FACE, to get laid?  
  
Angel: Well, when you put it that way.  
  
Rogue: Everyone pay attention to me.  
  
Just then, there is a brilliant flash of light, and Jean Grey's body is restored.  
  
Jean: I am Dark Phoenix. I will destroy all of you.  
  
Cyclops: Well, we should have seen that one coming.  
  
And the story continues... 


End file.
